The first cut is the deepest...
It’s been two months now. Two months of confusion and consternation. Two months of not knowing which end is up, which way to go, which path to choose. Two months worth of “firsts.”
Mother’s Day. The first party we went to without him. Ben’s Pre-K graduation. Father’s Day. I thought the first “first” might break me. When it didn’t, I felt almost…hopeful. It was a silly thought, in retrospect. Each “first” since has felt harder. Every new event he doesn’t make it to, makes him feel further from me. My mind has played tricks on me…it starts to wonder if he was ever here, or if I’m imagining the past two decades of my life; because it just doesn’t feel possible that he was so real, so here, such a huge piece of my personal puzzle, and was just gone one day. This week we have embarked on our first family adventure without him. North Carolina, Disney World, and the Jersey shore…with my birthday looming at the end of it. I booked the beach thinking it’d help. Thinking if I didn't wake up on a pullout couch covered in children, maybe I wouldn’t feel so sorry for myself. I’m not so convinced it will work, but I figure -if you’re going to feel awful, may as well feel awful at the beach, right? I’m trying. I’m giving it my all to get up every day, and just.keep.going.
There are days I feel like a warrior. Like a badass Mama who will NOT be broken. There are days I feel pathetic. The last two weeks have felt particularly rough. I was “on a roll,” until the day they came to tow Kenny’s car away. That moment seemed to be a turning point for me. I kept whispering “I’m so sorry, babe, I’m so sorry,” as the man drove the car he loved onto a tow truck, and hauled it out of my view forever. That moment was almost an acceptance that he wasn’t coming back, which felt like the ultimate betrayal. Every time I perform a task related to his passing, a part of my life feels chipped away. Calling the car insurance company to have his vehicle removed, calling the cell phone company to disconnect his phone, discontinuing his dollar shave club subscription…it all feels like I’m personally killing him, over, and over, and over again. I hate myself with every task. I ask for his forgiveness every day.
It’s the same feeling when I try to make plans for my future…the one I have to live without him. I feel like I can’t stay…I can’t go…I can’t do anything. And yet…I know that I can’t stay “stuck.” I’ve spent a lot of time worrying about where, and what and when…what I’ve realized in these past two months…the only thing I really know for sure, is that its going to take longer than two months to figure it out. Like, a lot longer; and I need to allow myself that grace period, however long it is.
These two months I have felt, well, aimless. At first I thought it was geographic. I didn’t feel like I belonged anywhere (literally.anywhere). This isn’t my home anymore…but where is? Where should I be? What should I do? It dawned on me this past week that it has nothing to do with location, but the fact that I didn’t just lose my partner, my best friend, my husband…I lost a HUGE part of my identity. I’ve been half of a pair since I was just 17. Kenny and Megan, Megan and Kenny…never one without the other. First I was his girlfriend, then I was his fiance, and wife…then the mother of his kids…then his caregiver. I was his go-to. His confidant. I was the person who went to all the appointments. I was the person who listened to work dilemmas and helped him work them out. I listened to him complain about bosses…friends…the weather…anything. If I’m not Kenny’s Megan-who am I? If I’m not HIS person, HIS cheerleader, HIS rock…I never envisioned a life where I wasn't his…something…anything. Now I’m just Megan. The truth is, I don’t really know who I am without Kenny. I’ve made every decision in my adult life with Kenny, for Kenny or with Kenny’s preferences in mind. Where he’d live, where he’d like to visit, what he’d like to buy, what colors he would like, what food he would eat. Hair cuts. Outfits. Make up styles. Restaurants. Vacations. I don’t at all want it to seem like Iwas some all sacrificing wife. I love him. I wanted to make him happy any way I knew how. But now…now that it’s only ME to consider, what I want…where I want…when I want…I find myself struggling (to say the least).
So, God willing and the creek don’t rise (here come those OCD sayings again!), this time needs to be for me. A redefinition of “Megan Courtney.” A time of soul searching. A time of self reflection. Self absorption. Yes…even selfishness. I always prided myself on not being a selfish person. It sounds silly when I say it out loud, but considering other people’s wants/needs/life situations was always part of me, an empath by nature. But for now…I owe it to me, to my kids, to what I pray will be a long lived life, to figure myself out (and figure it out sooner than later). With that in mind, I am both sad and happy to announce this will be my last post on this website. I’m FAR from done sharing my journey, but every time I log into my blog page, I’m reminded of where I was when I started it…it was a different life for me, then. One I am proud of. One I look back and think “I really did everything I could have.” But it’s not my life anymore. My best, most amazing, wonderful (and talented) friends are helping me create a new space; which is both a literal and metaphorical “new beginning” for me. My content will be pushed over there once it’s set up (very soon!), and I will happily update you all when it’s ready to roll. As always, thank you, Thank you, THANK YOU for your love, your positivity, your prayers, and always having this Mama’s back. I’d be nowhere without the plethora of people who have held me (and continue to hold me) up during this crazy time of transition in my life. You are priceless to me! XOXO.