Because that’s life after loss, friends. I can have weeks like this; sad days and mad days. I can look back and be filled with the pain of yesterday…and then the moment passes.
I’m sure, at my fourth birthday, my mother couldn’t, nor would ever have wanted, to think of some of the things I’ve been through already. But maybe pushing me to go against the grain at such a young age is part and parcel of how I’ve managed to keep going…
Every “thing” I’ve done relating to his passing (canceling credit cards, turning off his phone, having his car picked up from the dealer…), took the strength of ten men for me to do. They felt like I was betraying him. After the many firsts I’ve had no choice but to experience, doing something like see a piece of the world that he won’t, well it sure fit the bill of betrayal in my heart. Until now…
I’m not an overachiever, ya’ll. I’m simply one parent, doing “all the things.”
Clearly, music has always played a pivotal role in my life. Music can remind me of my best days, and of my worst days, and of all the little and big moments in between. They remind me of days I danced with friends, of days I was lost in my own despair, afternoons riding down the shoreline, riding into adventure, or simply taking the long way home. <3
I couldn’t tell you when my first kiss was. I probably couldn’t tell you the names of my first (or second, or third) boyfriend, but in HD clarity, I remember the first time I ever laid eyes on Kenny Courtney.
I’ve made no bones about my desire to start a career, to build a life. It’s the second most important thing to me; the first being that my kids are living their best lives. Both of these things are evolving far beyond the scope of my expectations two years ago.
A little more than two months after Kenny died, we spent a week in our favorite shore town. I rented a bungalow right on the beach. Frankly, I wasn’t sure it was the right call, at first. This town was our town, our favorite place, and I was still feeling raw; but it was my birthday week, and if I couldn’t be in my own bed, I wanted to wake up on my first birthday without him somewhere that reminded me of him.
I am a true water sign, with me feeling most myself, most zen, and even my most beautiful when I’m near the ocean. The sand and salt water call to me like the crab I am.
1). I love music. Bruce Springsteen is my all time love! When I was little, I would dance around my living room to “Born in the USA” like a maniac. Last year, I figured out that he was playing at the Meadowlands the day I was born (in a hospital just a few miles away). I like to joke that I could hear him from my bassinet, that’s why I love him. I found a poster of a ticket stub from that day; it’s framed in my office.