I didn’t learn these things overnight. I’ve passed through so many different phases, these past two years, that I’m mostly grateful that somehow it seems I’ve meshed together all the different pieces. Old me, new me, young me, less young me (ha!). But most gratefully, I’ve learned that…
One day, after binge watching a bunch of episodes with my mother before bed, we jovially discussed how much it was obvious that the main characters were still in love. They both had other options, but they couldn’t just get it together and get back in synch. That must have really sat in my brain as I dozed off that night, because after I drifted off, I had a dream…
It’s so unfuckingbelievably hard to explain. Yes, I’m a “words” girl, but some things don’t come easily, even to the most linguistically talented of people. I’ve been reading the works of Brene Brown and Nora McInerny- my vulnerability, courage and widow role models, respectively. Listening to their stories have really helped me to look in the mirror and face some realities that were incredibly hard to admit…even to myself.
The first of all realities, and the biggest, is that I’m scared.
1).I share my OWN experiences, from my OWN point of view. I don’t speak for anyone else, and I choose to not share things I think would cause pain or embarrassment to people I love. It’s not fake to keep some private things…well, private. That will not change.
But here is where perhaps my old age wisdom kicks in (okay…my early middle age…), if you’re lucky, your parents will be among the closest relationships you’ll ever have. My mom and I have seen some really ugly days, some words said or things done I wasn’t sure we’d ever come back from…but I know she loves me. She knows I love her. I’m solid in my belief that we can get past arguments, and occasional “disrespect,” because I’ve come to realize that being honest in your disagreement doesn’t automatically have to be disrespectful, although it may feel that way in the thick of things.
Last, but not least, and the least shocking, I believe that life is weird.
Through the year, through all of that hard work, I’d finally put down my proverbial sword; and in doing so, it changed the game for me.