Let it Be...
There is a lyric in my head that plays over, and over, and over again. All day, all night. Any moment that is without distraction from my kids or the endless myriad of things I need to achieve, there it is..."When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me, speaking words of wisdom 'Let it Be..."
There's oncologists giving us bad news, surgeons giving us worse news, and then..."When I find myself in times of trouble...'"
There's lawyers and financial planners..."Mother Mary comes to me..."
Teacher conferences, horseback riding lessons, taekwondo, gymnastics, soccer..."speaking words of wisdom, Let it Be..."
I can't say I ever really "got" John Lennon's work. I mean, in theory I did. It all sounded good....sure, when you're in trouble, let it be, it'll work out. All of his songs, his quotes, somehow pertinent to everyone. Yet...can't say I "got" it. And then...I did. I had to. Or I'd be consumed. And friends, we all know I can't afford to be consumed.
It's been a week, friends. I know in the past I've sat and laid out what's happening. I've explained the lingo and said all the next steps. I spent some of my energy trying to make everyone else out there feel assured that things will be fine. Not today...today I will spend my energy where it's needed. I'll take my son to taekwondo. We'll take a trip to Dick's sporting goods to get him gear for his upcoming T-ball season. We might even go to Bed, Bath and Beyond, I'm not sure if we'll have time...(c'mon friends, if we can't crack a chuckle or two, what's the point of all this?) We'll spend the week throwing ourselves into the very three reasons we are continue to get up every day. The reasons he's still fighting after 4.5 years, and the reasons he'll continue to. And then on Friday, it begins again. Craniotomy and more radiation for my hubster.
So why write at all, if not to spell out every detail? The truth is that I've never spelled out every detail. I'm not a documentarian. I'm a wife and Mom traveling a very bumpy road. I write because I love writing. I write because somewhere out there, there's some other person who's been diagnosed with one of these neurological ninjas, who has a family just like mine; and maybe they won't feel as alone as I feel sometimes on this journey. I write because there are a lot of people out there rooting for us who want to know what's going on, and my husband needs the biggest cheering section that I can conjure up for him. Because the hard fact of this, one of the hardest things I've had to accept these past weeks, is that I can't cure him. I want to. I've never wanted anything more in my life. But I can't. So I will advocate. I will garner as much prayer on his behalf as I can. I will keep his life running. I will keep our kids happy. I will keep their lives running. I'll channel my inner Dory and "just keep swimming."
As for our big move? It might not have been the fresh start we had hoped for, but its still one of the best decisions we've ever made. Mild weather, sunshine and chirping birds out our windows every morning soften the blow ever so slightly. Incredible neighborhood, incredibly happy kids, phenomenal schools, and amazing new friends and neighbors give me hope for our future. Sometimes, just when it seems I can't make sense of what is happening, it feels so much like "someone" is guiding us. God? Loved ones who've passed before? I'm not sure. But it always seems we land where we should, even when everything else feels all wrong.
As always, thank you ALL so much for your continued prayers and well wishes. I genuinely appreciate every last note, message and phone call. I'll check back in after surgery in a week or two. XOXO